Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
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And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
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Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.