Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Send help, water and tortillas.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize