You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
