would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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