Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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