So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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