i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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