how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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