i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
