I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Alive.
So much puke
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
