sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
