guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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