come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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