Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
