do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
