Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
