You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
