I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
