bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
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you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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