Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
