I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
