I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she peed on how many people?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
