I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
