Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
