Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
