There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
