Pappa wants mamma naked
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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