I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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