She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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