i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
