fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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