Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
