that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
