I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
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So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
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Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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