My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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