The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
