apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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