I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well I just put wine in my tea
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
