So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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