chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
