I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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