I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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