I cannot find my penis.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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