No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I look better un-naked...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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