I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
