yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
