your parents love me but you hate me
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
