i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
