I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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