4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
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I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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