I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
