i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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