why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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