I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need a beard to bite.
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