It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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