went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
