I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
