Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
